Transitions

Since I am about to turn 25 soon, and have almost nothing to show for it besides some unpaid credit card balances and mad top-ramen cooking skills, I started thinking about the transition to adulthood and how different things are from our parent’s age. You don’t just graduate and immediately land a career, family and the free time to vacation at Disneyland. Seriously, how do young parents afford Disneyland, it’s like $5 to buy a Coke. I don’t even want to think how much cigarettes would be there. What they don’t sell cigarettes at Disneyland anymore?! This country’s gone to hell.

I bolded the most important words, so if this is a little TLDR for you, feel free to ignore everything in normal text, and you should still get the full story for the most part.

Most of us 23-30 somethings are stuck in some sort of adulthood purgatory. Here are some examples of why it’s really hard to be young, still attractive and independent from your parents:

We have our own money, and can do whatever we want with it, but never have enough money to do what we want with it.

We can eat whatever we want, but when we do we feel bad about it because our metabolism has gone to shit. Have you ever thought about the last time you ate something you didn’t like. I don’t like oranges. I haven’t eaten an orange in at least 10 years. Why? Because they have the texture of human flesh and I make my own damn lunch. Fuck oranges. I finally accepted in the last two years that eating a turkey sandwich with an unspeakable amount of mayo and cheddar cheese isn’t a “healthy” option. I can’t even eat a slice of bread at 24 years old without immediately shitting my pants and simultaneously gaining five pounds.

At this point in the weird 1/4 of your life, you’ve have weeded out the drama and pointless friends that you just hung out with because their parents had a hot tub or their brother let you smoke his weed or whatever, and you have a handful of really good people in your life. The only problem is you have all moved, or have your own lives and have to actually use a day planner to see each other. I almost miss high school, just for the bat-shit advice I would never get from people that actually like me. I couldn’t fit into my denim shorts today, and was wondering if my ass was just bigger from biking to work and my occasional gym class, or if I was actually getting fat and no one was letting me know. In high school people had no problem telling you when you looked fat or stupid. If they didn’t tell you to your face you found out later in a origami heart-shaped note from a “concerned” frenemy that says, “People say your fishnets don’t make you look punk, you just look slutty.” Thanks Krysta.

Your body is dying. Nothing in your body is going to get any better. I’m wearing a bra I bought when I was 16 right now. Why? Because I can’t afford nice things, and my body is never going to develop anymore than it already has. The excitement of getting taller and getting boobs is over/just never happened. Now I have to actually consider flossing and care about my general health so I don’t suffer from arthritis or other old people ailments. That’s right kids, if you don’t floss you will get arthritis.

There are some good things about getting older. When you are 25 it’s totally acceptable to drink a bunch of wine because “you appreciate the taste.” Always go to wine tastings. It’s the best way to get drunk without people judging you. When you are 25, you also get to meet a bunch of new people because you live with them and depend on them to help pay your rent. You also never have to clean your room, because no one ever, ever sees it. So, you know, I guess there are some perks.