Reasons why the gym is my personal 7th layer of hell:
1) Gym Short Boners.
I don’t really feel like this needs more in-depth reasoning, but I’ll give you an example. The 24 Hour Fitness on Hollywood has windows that look into the swim area. This is one of the reasons I choose not to utilize the swim area. Another reason is that this one guy insists on wearing flesh color shorts and then struts around in front of the window, like he’s proud of it. I know exactly what this guy’s junk looks like. EXACTLY. And, I haven’t even entered the building yet. Then naturally, you have your average, run-of-the-mill gym short boners and visible basketball-short dick outlines.
2) Aggressive man-roids
I hate when guys at the gym make eye contract with you like, as they are doing push-ups or some shit. Like, hey girl do you think this is hot? and I’m like, well sort of in a really primal way, like I feel like you could carry me out of a burning building, but at the same time I’m a little turned off by your aggression.
3) Classes I don’t understand
What is Grit? What the hell is Body attack? It sounds like someone is going to come in and hit me with giant palm tree leaves and then force me to do gravel pushups and then publicly ridicule me as my hands get more and more hamburger-y from the pushups. I want abs, but I also don’t want to sweat blood and dry heave all over the damn place. Plus I have shin splints so, I’m going to have to sit this one out.
4) Classes I do understand
I’m pretty convinced Zumba is just a bunch of moms (Not new moms, like I-have-three-kids-in high school and-don’t-know-why-I-get-out-of-bed-everyday moms) who wanted an upgrade from reading their People magazine on the treadmill at speed 3 for a half hour. Bopping around in neon clothes was dope during the In Living Color days, but now it just seems, well, dumpier and a little sad.
5) Packed yoga classes filled with old creaky men (yes I meant creaky not creepy. No typo here. I can literally hear their bones rubbing against their other bones.)
Sometimes I try this yoga class at the gym and then always end up walking out half way because I’m either frustrated that I don’t have enough black magic stored up to move my spine closer to my hips like I am instructed to do, or I peace out half way through because I’m BORED. I’m sick of doing cat, cow, cat, cow then downward dog. Unless someone’s penis can be inside me during said animal style poses, it’s really a waste of my time.
The only time I get through a whole hour of class is by staying in child’s pose, because you know yoga is all about calm music and dim lights and nothing being mandatory, so it’s the perfect place to take a nap. Everything in yoga is “up to your body”. Well my body wants to drink alcohol or sleep about 95% of the time, so I’m not quite sure what I’m doing here.
6) Community Stretch Mats
Gym-People have very little respect for others personal space. No I don’t want you to stretch my hamstring. Yes, I was planning on using this 2 ft of space to do, I don’t know, a crunch. Please stop staring at me.
I hope you enjoyed my reasons for why I skipped the gym to write this blog, eat an entire wheel of brie, and use my It Starts With Food, Discover the Whole 30 book as a mimosa coaster. See you assholes at CoreCx on Sunday.
XOXO,
The Weekday Hangover
milky feelings 