Love Stuff

I’m getting to that age where everyone around me is married or talking about marriage and it’s starting to only just slightly freak me out.

I don’t know much about being a woman since I wasn’t raised by one, but I think I’ve heard lady eggs can go rotten, or, just not work or expire or something. I’m not baby crazy or anything. The concept of growing a tiny human inside me and then using my body to feed it and watching it grow still really creeps me out. However, as a single female I would like to think that if I wanted to do such a thing, I still could.

I probably seem like the least traditional or lady-like person on your news feed, but as a product of divorce, I don’t want to have children unless I’ve already been married to the person for at least a few years. Too many traumatic years of popping up in the ball pit at McDonald’s and realizing half of my family is missing and I won’t see them again until next Tuesday. What is it with divorced parents in the 90’s and meeting at McDonald’s? How dare you distract me with a cheeseburger then sneak out to the car and drive away! Actually, that tactic still works if you ever want to avoid one of my fits.

Anyway, child-hood trauma aside, I’m sort of feeling like that love stuff isn’t in the cards for this lone wolf, so I thought I would use my creepy blog to convince men why they should date me so I can stop feeling so out of the loop.

Here are reasons why I’m a total catch and why I shouldn’t start investing in cat food or cable just yet (People who are old and single love cable):

1. I can kill my own spiders.
2. I can make a damn good omelette.
3. I may not know a lot about sports, but I can be very enthusiastic when other people are yelling.
4. I know how to read and write in English. Take that Russian mail orders!
5. I already have my own wedding ring. (Not because I already bought myself one because I know that’s what you assholes were thinking. It was from one of my grandma’s 5 marriages and it’s dope so lay off.)  If the poor sap does decide to get hitched, I will be saving him thousands of dollars. It doesn’t even need to be re-sized. All I ask is that we get insurance on it so I can take it in to get sparkled (that’s a thing right?) and before the ceremony I request that it be blessed by the head of a Coven.

I think that list is pretty darn good, I mean what else would someone ask for in a mate besides a personality, good looks and rich parents? At least I have (some) time to work on acquiring more awesome skills before society looks down on me as some pathetic woman with career goals and a self-supporting disposable income.