Dying is the worst

Reasons why I have to figure out how to be immortal:

1. Aging is gross. I’m basically Sara Jessica Parker’s character from Hocus Pocus. I want to suck the youth out of young adults so that I never have to consider Botox. I’m just not comfortable with parts of my body sagging. I’m pretty sure they should never do that. Puckering too, that’s a thing. You bet. Also, I’m already terrified of stairs, I can’t image trying to climb them in an 80 year old body.
2. I already have the memory of Alzheimer’s patient. I’m like the lady in The Notebook except I don’t have a husband, or children or anything cool that I would like to be reminded of. In fact, when I get that age I hope that people lie to me and say stuff like, “When you were young you lived in France and you slept with many, many male models who loved you very much but sadly all died in a runway fire.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I can’t even remember where I put my cell phone 15 minutes ago. Imagine this at 55. What a nightmare.
3. I don’t have time to NOT be immortal (let’s not say the word “dead” it’s too sad-ish). Seriously, I have thousands of neurotic to-do lists. My bucket list is going to take some time to complete, I have to find someone to pistol whip, take the time off to go to South Africa to high-five a great white shark, and not to mention it already takes me almost 2 days to get my laundry done.
4. I would be a terrible ghost. If I was a ghost instead of saying boo I would just say stuff that is scary to me like “heiiiiigggghhhttts.” and “Commitmeeeeennnnnnttttt.” I also would probably be very bored as a member of the un-dead, because the only ghosts I want to hang out with are celebrity ghosts, like Patrick Swayze, who are too busy doing celebrity ghost things to hang out with me. 
5. I have to live forever because I have too many amazing gifts that the future generations of humans need. Who else is better to pass on the wisdom of a miserable, self-deprecating  quarter life female, than a miserable, self-deprecating quarter life female who lives forever?! I need to stay on this earth so I can convince everyone that the 4th Harry Potter book is the best, that Leonardo Decaprio is hotter than Brad Pitt and that the only reason I’ve been able to stay alive so long is that the doctor’s were wrong, and large quantities of mayonaise is actually really, really good for you.