Well friends, here we are again. After years of waking up hungover, with the voice of a 60-year-old school bus driver, I still solomnly swear each time that I will never drink or smoke cigarettes again.
I am getting too old for this shit. Something has got to give before I start looking like the corpse of current Mic Jagger. (Mic Jagger hasn’t officially died yet has he? So many people have thrown in the towel in 2016 it’s hard to keep track)
Not only did my metabolism grow wings and flap off towards the sunset when I turned 25, but I also lost my ability to only be hungover for one day.
Harry Potter got to be told that he was king of the Wizards on his birthday, and I woke up vomiting Velveeta Shells.
The funny thing is is, we all know what to do to avoid a hangover by now. I’ve been stealing my dads hard liquor, and refilling the bottles with tap water for over 10 years now. This isn’t my first rodeo.
So why? Why is this happening to me? Why am I curled up in the fetal position with my shirt on inside out, surrounded by Taco Bell hot sauce packets?
Obviously, I don’t feel like I’m to blame here. So I’m going to list all the things you are supposed to do in order to prevent this sort of thing from happening, and expose the cracks in the system:
- Stay hydrated Have a glass of water between drinks.
Okay, I can see why this should be an easy rule to follow because water is free, and my general rule of thumb is that if something is free, than do it and/or drink it. However, the thing about water is, your bartender isn’t going to come up to your table and be like, “Oh Miss Wolf, can I interest you in another glass of plain ass water?” No way. They make you get up and find that shit yourself, and I simply don’t have the time between cigarettes and shit-talking strangers to get up and look for it. Especially not when I have a vodka grapefruit in hand that looks thirst-quenching. The tonic water in my cocktails should also totally count for something. And while I’m on this rant, I want to be called Miss Wolf more often.
2. Don’t drink on an empty stomach.
The thing about this piece of advice is you never realize you haven’t eaten anything all day until your throwing up chunk-less red liquid at 2 a.m. (Yes, it does look like blood, and yes it is kinda cool). I’m a gal on the go, and don’t always have time to make a 30 minute dinner for one. (Yes, one. Get off my dick about it). Sometimes, I just skip dinner and go straight to my pre-bed, or “night time” wine. I can’t be bothered to boil pasta noodles, but you best believe I can fit in 20 minutes to polish off a bottle of $9 Cabernet and write a short novel in my journal about life’s futility.
3. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.
Whoever made this up, obviously had never experienced tequila. When you are 3 Patron shots down because someone mistakenly invited you to a 21st birthday party and you want to prove that you are still a care-free person, you are NEVER EVER IN THE CLEAR. Some people say that tequila makes your clothes come off. I think it turns people into the worst version of themselves. Slutty people get sluttier, angry bros start fights with other angry bros, and socially awkward people end up crying in a corner with a purse full of stolen refrigerator magnets. (Yours truly).
You can see now that being responsible with alcohol is a much harder task than people make it out to be. So maybe be a little less judgmental when you see someone ordering a food cart burrito with smeared eyeliner, or puking in the conference room trash can. Just because some of us have been drinking legally for years, doesn’t mean the peer-pressure jello shots and clear lack of better judgement can’t still get us down.
Tune in next week to see if I can finally get my shit together!
XOXO – The Weekday Hangover
milky feelings 