Hi friends,
Sorry I haven’t posted more. I’ve been going through a thing clinical psychologists like to call “seasonal depression,” Which when you have depression already is called “depression depression.” Or “depression squared. ” Or “I just ate a wheel of brie and am watching a movie about baseball to try and make myself cry syndrome.”
I have been so in my own head and down on myself lately, which is dumb as fuck. Thanks to anxiety, I have this constant feeling like I’m doing enough to improve my life and my bod, and that I’ll never be happy, and that I’m getting old, and that soon I will face my eventually mortality and what will I have to show for myself…..and you get the picture. I can’t let myself be happy or celebrate an accomplishment for a god damn second before rattling off all the negative side effects of whatever positive or awesome thing i’m celebrating.
Even though I’ve made tons of strides in the right direction, sometimes I just don’t feel good about the life that I’m living or the person that I am. I spend a lot of time comparing myself to others and I have an Instagram feed full of successful comedians, actresses and models. A lot of my 20’s so far has been spent thinking I’m not good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough. (Thanks patriarchy.)
I beat myself up every time I skip the gym, every time I ignore plans to stay home and clean the kitchen and study the words to the Willennium album instead. I beat myself up because I feel like I should be further along in my career path, in my relationships, and my savings account. I beat myself up for not taking advantage of my days off better. I LITERALLY beat myself up because I don’t think I have enough fun. How is that even a thing?
But here’s the problem dear readers: feeling shitty is exhausting. Feeling like you are doing things wrong, and feeling like you aren’t enough sucks the big one. Now that I’m 26 it’s time to get over the quarter-life crisis and just MOVE ON ALREADY.
How, you ask? By recognizing that my authentic self and lifestyle is going to look different than others based on my own set of experiences, wants and needs. Accepting that, and GETTING THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY. Also, allowing myself to be proud of myself when credit is due.
Sometimes Instead of hiking and brunching like the majority of Instagram, I like to lay in bed and do needlepoint or look at pictures of food on the internet. I pronounce words incorrectly and I get stuck to chairs. I get lost often. Even with a GPS. Even in my home town.
I like puppies and bunnies and being nice to people, and I’m so over feeling embarrassed or stupid for who I am.
Sometimes I’m hard on myself because I feel like a ditz and I think that’s all people think of me. Just a blonde girl who likes makeup and puppies and can’t read a map.
But I also like a whole bunch of other things! Like genetics and European history and foreign language and shit. I’m diving head-first into the world of improv which I’m more in love with than anything else in the world (except 90’s Leo, to whom I will always be faithful) and I don’t even eat noodles anymore. I DON’T EVEN EAT NOODLES ANYMORE YOU GUYS. I should be praising myself every god damn day that I don’t eat Lunchables so basically I treat my body like a fucking temple now compared to my turkey and mayonnaise sandwich eating days of yore.
So here’s the deal, here’s the advice that I would give myself if I ever fucking listened:
Don’t compare yourself to others, laugh at your “flaws”, and know that they make you an authentic, relatable, beautiful human being, and don’t be afraid to like what you like and give yourself some fucking credit every once and awhile.
XOXO,
The Weekday Hangover
milky feelings 