Author: knwolf

I’m getting to that age where everyone around me is married or talking about marriage and it’s starting to only just slightly freak me out.

I don’t know much about being a woman since I wasn’t raised by one, but I think I’ve heard lady eggs can go rotten, or, just not work or expire or something. I’m not baby crazy or anything. The concept of growing a tiny human inside me and then using my body to feed it and watching it grow still really creeps me out. However, as a single female I would like to think that if I wanted to do such a thing, I still could.

I probably seem like the least traditional or lady-like person on your news feed, but as a product of divorce, I don’t want to have children unless I’ve already been married to the person for at least a few years. Too many traumatic years of popping up in the ball pit at McDonald’s and realizing half of my family is missing and I won’t see them again until next Tuesday. What is it with divorced parents in the 90’s and meeting at McDonald’s? How dare you distract me with a cheeseburger then sneak out to the car and drive away! Actually, that tactic still works if you ever want to avoid one of my fits.

Anyway, child-hood trauma aside, I’m sort of feeling like that love stuff isn’t in the cards for this lone wolf, so I thought I would use my creepy blog to convince men why they should date me so I can stop feeling so out of the loop.

Here are reasons why I’m a total catch and why I shouldn’t start investing in cat food or cable just yet (People who are old and single love cable):

1. I can kill my own spiders.
2. I can make a damn good omelette.
3. I may not know a lot about sports, but I can be very enthusiastic when other people are yelling.
4. I know how to read and write in English. Take that Russian mail orders!
5. I already have my own wedding ring. (Not because I already bought myself one because I know that’s what you assholes were thinking. It was from one of my grandma’s 5 marriages and it’s dope so lay off.)  If the poor sap does decide to get hitched, I will be saving him thousands of dollars. It doesn’t even need to be re-sized. All I ask is that we get insurance on it so I can take it in to get sparkled (that’s a thing right?) and before the ceremony I request that it be blessed by the head of a Coven.

I think that list is pretty darn good, I mean what else would someone ask for in a mate besides a personality, good looks and rich parents? At least I have (some) time to work on acquiring more awesome skills before society looks down on me as some pathetic woman with career goals and a self-supporting disposable income.

Well I had a dream that Leonardo DiCaprio and I were trying to show 1940’s America the concept of free love by making out everywhere and not being married. We were met with opposition, but in the end, love conquered all and I was almost eaten by a shark.

I recently read this article from Elite Daily that talked about the importance of being poor because it helps you appreciate the things you have when you acquire them. In honor of such perspective here are my ways I knew I was (still am) broke as shit, or broke dick as someone I know eloquently phrases it, and how to put a positive spin on those moments.

1) You get creative with your booze

I know everyone in Portland is a craft beer snob, but sometimes you don’t have an extra $20 to throw down on a seasonal, local, IPA, etc so you mix a half-drank blue Powerade (that wasn’t yours, but it’s been in the fridge so long it’s communal) with Vermouth you got as a birthday present 5 months ago, (which you have saved because you aren’t quite sure what vermouth is) and a squeeze of lime from your Pad Thai leftovers. I call it, Blue Steele, and I am proud of my creation.

2) Putting an egg and some frozen vegetables in your ramen makes you feel fancy as shit.

Check me out with my egg flower soup mods mother fucker.

3) Going out to dinner means walking 5 blocks to Olé Ole and getting a five dollar burrito.

Mmmmm food made by other people just tastes so much better. Hope you saved your laundry quarters so you can get that guac add on girlllllll

4) You don’t ride your bike to be hip, you ride it because you can’t afford to pay for parking downtown.

People can tell you apart from the “lifestyle bikers” because you only wear a helmet if your hair looked bad to start with and instead of a Chrome backpack and bike shoes you are sporting a skateboarding backpack and converse both of which you have owned since age 15.
5) You can’t have nice things.

I’m saying this as I’m currently wearing an American Apparel sweater that looks like it has been stored in a kitchen basement for 5 years and has slowly become a home/chew toy for rats. The sleeves are torn off at the wrists, there are tiny holes in it (moths?! demon washing machine?!) and the drawstrings feel out before I finished high school. Why do I wear this garbage bag with a trendy zipper you ask? Because it’s my only hoodie and replacing it would cost me a whole $40. Do you know how much Charles Shaw I could buy with $40. My priorities are straight as shit.

Now I’m sure this makes me sound like a spoiled brat. I admit, the road hasn’t been a super hard one and every time I complain about being broke I feel like an asshole because then I walk by 5 people that are sleeping on the ground and peeing in corners. (The peeing in corners part I don’t feel bad for, there are public restrooms in parks, and there is nothing worse than sad people exposing themselves in public.) However, we all have that bit of envy when we see someone with a full shopping cart at Whole Foods and can’t help but be like “oh it must be nice not having to by the caged eggs huh asshole?!” “Enjoy your grass-fed polenta you sack of shit.”

You see, it’s all about perspective. But I agree with Elite Daily. Embrace the poor, student loans up your ass, dinner from a box lifestyle, because when you finally get that big kid job, and can start buying furniture from places other than IKEA and the sidewalk, you can say, I made it. See you later losers, I’m going to go buy dinner at a restaurant and get not-well vodka thank you very much. I’m going to flip my middle finger to the sky and get an appetizer with my meal, and maybe buy a useless home decor item, like a throw rug or a decorative pillow! Hip hip hurray!

I get to hang out with my best friend and make decisions like these ones:

1) Should we call him an asshat or an ass clown in that scene?
2) Casting call for boyfriends. Topless boyfriends only please.
3) For our photo shoot, should we use FunYuns or Bugles?
4) We are going to need a lot of donuts for this episode.
5) If you want to wear pants in that one you can, but you don’t have to.
6) People laugh at my jokes (sometimes)