Summer is my favorite time of year. I will fight to the death against the shit attitudes of every pale North American who wish the frigid cold of winter upon us as soon as it gets over 70 degrees. I get it, it’s hot, but have they never felt next-day rug rash from a drunken slip and slide session? Have they never assaulted an ice-cream man for not stopping long enough on their street? These are some of the blissful memories that can only happen during the magical months of July and August. Here are the reasons why I love Summer:
1) Boys in Jorts.
I’m infatuated with everyone right now. Something about the warm weather reminds me of dating boys and them being adorable, and going on beach trips and shit. My hormones are unstoppable this time of year. I had to tell my roommate to stop wearing her Old Spice deodorant because it makes me too aroused and I keep objectifying the cute guy down the street, who is affectionately known as “the guy with the broken leg and the dog.” He has nice jorts and I’m seriously considering asking him out as soon as he can walk again.
2) BBQ food.
Summer is the one time of year you can eat a hotdog and a cheeseburger in the same day and not be judged for it. Also, every salad at a BBQ has mayonnaise in it, and I am 100% down to fuck with that. So here’s what you do: Get a “dollop” (or you know, however you want to portion, you’re an adult) of potato salad, macaroni salad, and egg salad. If you are one of those freaks who doesn’t like their food to touch each other you are not going to like what I’m about to say. I suggest cramming as much of literally everything (especially if you just showed up and not hosting, because free food tastes better) as you can on the plate. No room for utensils? Good! Utensils are for chumps. Use your Lay’s chips as mayo-salad shovels because this is America, land of the free.
3) It’s My Birthday
Birthdays are the one holiday where you can get gifts, and not have to give anyone else gifts. Yes, I am turning 25 and yes, I still expect presents. If you don’t know what to get me just check my Amazon wish list, because there is nothing more satisfying than looking at shit you could never afford or justify buying for yourself and then unashamedly putting the link on Facebook and emailing it out to all your relatives.
Birthdays, like BBQ’s are another excuse to eat like shit and drink forever. I’m not really one for sweets, but a dear friend of mine promised me a white bread Bologna sandwich with yellow mustard as an homage to a cake. I’ll probably have to get a cake anyway though because if people show up to a birthday party and there is no cake, American culture will shit its pants and Paula Dean will start sending me racist hate mail.
Birthdays are also an excuse to be kind of a dick. Example A) I ate your fries and drank all your beer while you were in the bathroom because it’s my birthday. Example B) I made out with your brother because it’s my birthday. Example C) I drank everything and made out with everyone, because I’m old now and I hate everything….and it’s my birthday. Do. Your. Worst.
4) Nature is happy.
Usually when it’s Spring, winter or fall,the Northwest looks like one big, gray, drizzly shit hole. We Portlanders put up with soggy bike rides and Vitamin D deficiency so that when June rolls around we can take our dogs out to roll around in the grass that is green as fuck and swim in lakes and do other social outdoor activities.
The moral of today’s blog is to not let the haters get you down, or better yet, hate on your haters harder
Again, people who don’t like Summer are most-likely processed-meat circle hating, anti spiked lemonade, non bare-thigh sporting freak shows. . So enjoy your A/C, and your GOT reruns losers, I’ll be getting basic-bitch wasted on sangria, harassing ice-cream men, and hiking off my mayo weight.
milky feelings 