Tag: humor

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advice aftercollegelife comedy lifestyle self help

Open for Business

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Hello dear readers,

It is me, your thought-to-be-extinct friend writing to you from beyond the grave. Meaning not that I am an ethereal being, but that I haven’t been blogging in a while.

Warning: it might be a long one and I’m a little rusty. (That’s what she said?)

Today marks one month of being unemployed and honestly, it’s been, like, really tight.

I’ve been far too busy sleeping all of the time and playing a video game where you earn gold for farming turnips to come up with anything creative to say. But now that the wound isn’t so fresh, I am back to feeling like I want to talk about my personal life on the internet.

So in short, I got fired. I didn’t do anything illegal like embezzle money from the company or take the free tampons in the 3rd-floor bathroom…although I do think it would be mysterious and attractive to be some sort of white-collar female criminal. Like Ocean’s 11 or Martha Stewart.

I played it SO COOL when I got fired. I would like to frame it as a power move, but in reality, I think I was trying so hard to not let them see me cry that I cut off the oxygen to my vital bits and blacked out.

My cohorts said that I could have the room if I wanted and they would bring me some tissues to cry into. I politely explained that I just needed some air. I then ran outside to rip a fat vape off my JUUL, sob to my boyfriend while he was trying to drive to his work appointment, and get my cardigan stuck in the elevator.

Getting fired is a lot like a break-up. You cry, then you think you’re fine, then you drive past your office building, or have a work-related calendar reminder you forgot to delete pop up, and then out of nowhere a Bon Iver song starts playing in the background and the rain slowly drips down the windows of your Prius and there go the waterworks.

Once feeling sorry for yourself starts to get boring, you pick yourself up and you say, “GODDAMNIT there is plenty of other fish in the sea and they would be happy to have me!” You give your resume a makeover (which is the professional equivalent of deciding to get bangs) and you go to Indeed.com and find yourself in a purgatory of being both under and over-qualified for everything.

You then think about what your life would be like if maybe you didn’t take everything so seriously, and stopped being such a consumer, took work as part-time “Entry Level Sales Representative”, controlled your online shopping habit and actually used the Fred Meyer coupons they send you instead of feeling like you are “above it.”

You realize that this all sounds incredibly depressing and also make a mental note to really remember those coupons next time because now you don’t have access to free tampons.

The next step in the healing process is to put on Lizzo’s “Juice”, take an edible, read 3 pages of a self-help book and say, “You know what, I went to school for this shit. I actually spent 5 years in school to get a degree for this, and I like doing it and I should get paid to.” You get your groove back baby.

Why don’t more people talk about getting fired? They say that they got laid off, or it just wasn’t the right fit, but no one (including myself when talking to my parents) honestly says “yeah, I got fired. No, they weren’t making budget cuts, they just didn’t want me….specifically me, to work there. And it sucks but it’s going to get better.”

It’s like so weird that that’s not something someone would want to scream from the rooftops, you know?

All joking aside, getting fired sucks and I cried a lot and felt a ton of shame and self-doubt and I had a few days of laying on the couch watching Love Island and wiping my tears off on the cat, but I’m so thankful for the people that have reached out to me and told me about similar experiences they’ve had, and helped me network and find other opportunities. I know my 9-5 prince charming is out there.

Until then, expect to hear a lot more for me,

XOXO

Milky

*all of my images are entirely ripped off of Google Image Search and are not my own.

 

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advice comedy health lifestyle self help Uncategorized women

Self-Care

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I went to one free meditation class offered through my work and now all I want is to get seriously jacked on self-care.

I want to be rubbed in essential oils, go on a silent retreat, and be healed by crystals.

I am officially 100% drinking the kool-aid on this one. I was driving home from my families this weekend and thought, “You know what I should do? I should go to Peru and take Ayahuasca.” So yes, you could say that I’m pretty into this.

This will be an interesting journey to follow so if you haven’t already subscribed to my blog, well hot dog, now would be the time. Part of the reason I stepped away from blogging and comedy for a while is that while I have an easy time admitting my neurotic tendencies and general fuck-uperry, actually trying to do something about my negative behaviors or “Sadness kinks” is going to be a whole different ball game.

So after I made the decision to get, like, super fucking healthy, I did what I always do when I get excited about something. I go all in babyyyyy.

So far it’s been a wild ride. On top of my therapy and a daily dose of Lexapro I decided to quit drinking, which is swell. So swell, that when I got sober and had nothing to blame my negative feelings on, I got a tidal wave of anxiety and had to call the mental health line, get on a waiting list to see a physiatrist and eventually a drug and addiction counselor.

Dear readers, there is nothing that makes you feel worse about yourself than taking the steps you need to take to feel better about yourself.

First, you have to hear the phone recording say, “If you think you are having a psychiatric emergency, please call 911.” Like, okay, listen up ma’am, I can’t tell you how many times I have thought I was having a psychiatric emergency. If I called the cops every time I cried at a commercial or slept for 13 hours they would be like “Kaylee, we told you the last time, please stop calling here. This is not an emergency.”

Once I finally got an appointment, I had to pee in a cup LIKE A GOD DAMN CRIMINAL (or someone with a self-diagnosed bladder infection trying to figure out if it is really a bladder infection.) I had to admit that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I had to answer a questionnaire that basically asked: “On a scale of 1/10 how likely are you to….you know…. *nurse practitioner whispers* kill yourself?”

I had to speak to my negative body image and when asked about how I feel about my body responded honestly with “Oh gosh, I mean I hate the thing. I really do sir, it’s awful.” More strangers have seen me cry in this past month than when I went to a  friend’s sisters wedding and was just “so *sniff* proud of her. *sniff*.”

Going through all of that sucked. It blew metaphorical chunks all over the life I wanted people to think I had handled. I had to admit to my partner I was struggling with addiction. I had to go through with my work holiday party knowing that there would be free booze and that I couldn’t have any, even though other people could because I had a problemmmmm ugh!

But here I am, 21 days without alcohol, snuggling my animals, being honest with myself and my intentions, and working out a plan. Because it’s important.

I think the absolute tightest part about self-care is the discussions that make you realize you aren’t alone, and that the crazy thoughts you have are in fact, not that original.  This will be the goal of my posts moving forward. To provide insight and a light-hearted look into mental illness, addiction, and self-doubt. Hopefully, it helps even one person feel less alone in their struggles while being (fingers-crossed) mildly entertaining.

More to come!

Milky

 

 

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advice aftercollegelife friendship health lifestyle self help Uncategorized

Over-achiever

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What is that crazy strain that us sentient beings have that makes us constantly unsatisfied with our current situation?

Here’s an example of what I mean:

I don’t have any friends in Portland and I want friends > I get friends > I focus on my job not being satisfying > I want a new job > I get a new job  > I focus on how much better my life would be with a pet >>>

Once we “level up” it’s an immediate switch to think about the next level. Maybe my experience growing up with a Sega Genesis has subconsciously affected my adult life.

Or maybe, there’s a terrible aversion that I have to settling.

I know there’s a whole world out there full of experiences and life and I’m woke to it. Woke to it as fuck.

Even if I eventually have the great job, the amazing husband, the 5 dogs, and the six-pack abs I’ve always wanted, there will always be this innate desire to have experiences outside of myself. Experiences where I feel alive, and well, different.

It’s that what those t-shirts and coffee mugs that say “Wanderlust” are all about?

As much as I enjoy listening to a podcast and cooking a meal, or sweating it out at the gym and feeling stronger, or watching 17 episodes of a cooking show in my underwear, those are not the things that get me up in the morning. Those are just tricks I’ve been slowly developing to keep me out of the Johnson Unit.

I want to feel the way I felt when I walked through the Oxford street market, or when I climbed 300 steps to get the best view of the Paris streets, surrounded by a bunch of strangers, that for those 3 days, were my best friends. I want to camp in the woods with my friends and have a séance in the woods where we tell our deepest, darkest secrets.

I want to fucking live outside my desk, and more importantly, my head.

Of course, I need the security of a steady income and a roof over my head, so I don’t think I’ll be “Eat, Pray, Loving-it” anytime soon. Plus, maybe it was how hard I worked to get to the amazing places I’ve been that makes me appreciate it the way I do. If I flew to Paris every weekend, maybe I wouldn’t have wept at the beautiful site of the Sacre Coeur, and I probably wouldn’t have dared to give 3 strangers my phone number so we could meet at the Eiffel Tower at midnight.

I don’t want to always live for moments in the future, but having those out-of-yourself experiences is so important to me. I hope I can feasibly always have something scheduled to put myself in a situation that is new and exciting to me.

I want to have memories and experiences that are outside of my day to day work > grocery store > gym > home routine. I want to feel connected and alive and shit.

So how does that work, dear readers? How does one enjoy the present moment while also craving something more than being an Assistant and a dog-mom? I definitely don’t have all the answers. Maybe realizing that other people feel this way too and I’m not alone is a comfort in it’s own regard. Maybe being a little more conservative with my paychecks so that I can afford trips to new places is put as a higher priority. Maybe booking time for myself to go explore my own city or try a new restaurant is a reasonable step.

I would love to hear your responses and advice to this quarrel of the ordinary. Please feel free to DM me, dog. Or comment below.

XOXO,

Milky 

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comedy dogs friendship lifestyle

Nice guy

 

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I feel like sometimes people think that I have it easy because I’m a kind, sensitive butterfly who wants to improve humanity and pet puppies and free Tibet. But being nice to others, although it is quite easy for me to do, can be fucking exhausting.

Here’s why:

The opposite of resting bitch face can get you in just as much trouble.

Smiling at people is supposed to be a simple gesture to make the world a better place or whatever, but I’ve found smiling at people can also lead to a 30 minute long conversation with a homeless man who wants to play you a song he wrote, and get advice on how he should color his hair. I’ve legitimately been late to work because I can’t get away from conversations with people quick enough. Especially the people at Trader Joe’s. If you’ve ever been to a Trader Joe’s you must know what I’m taking about. The overly cheery cashier that wants to know way too much about you, for someone ringing up your toiletries. She asks you what you are planning on doing with your four bottles of $3 wine and your block of cheese. “Well….I just got done at the gym, so I figured I would drink back the calories I sweated out, watch some Netflix. Maybe have a good cry. I haven’t cried in awhile you know? Sometimes it just feels good to get it all out.” Do you remember the movie Liar Liar with Jim Carrey? All of my human interactions are like that. I get asked a question, and have the terrible compulsion to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, plus every single one of my feelings. 

Creeping people out with compliments 

I’M SORRY that I like the texture of your skin, but I thought it would be nice if you knew. You have good face and neck skin. How is that my fault? No…don’t run. Don’t run away. Everyone’s looking now. God dammit.

Not getting the same courtesy back 

When I stop for you at a crosswalk – which I always will. I need you to lift your frigging hand up and give me a “Thank You.” I’m not obligated to stop for you. If I had a mean bone in my body or enough horsepower in my mom’s borrowed suburban I could mow you down if I wanted. I also get honked at a lot because I let people merge all the time. I’ll be like, “oh you have a dog in the car, you can go.” “Oh you have a nice bumper sticker about equality, you can go.” BUT YOU FUCKING WAVE TO ME GOD DAMMIT. APPRECIATE ME!”

Saying Sorry 

I’m always sorry. If I don’t text you back right away, if I am in the way of the silverware drawer if I accidentally bump into you. But here’s the thing. You say sorry back! If I step on your foot and it’s my fault, You say sorry, I say sorry, WE BOTH SAY SORRY! We should both be equally sorry for being in each other’s personal space which should be very precious to both of us. If I forget to pay rent, you say sorry. If I hit you with my car, YOU SAY SORRY!

Over-committing

Sure, I can help you move out of your house. Oh what, it’s my only day off in 15 days? Don’t be silly! I’d be happy to! You need to borrow my car? Sure! Take it for a week. I don’t need to drive anywhere. It has a full tank of gas, and I’ll tell you what pal, give it back to me on empty okay?

Getting dumped 

I’ve definitely been broken up with because of being too nice. I remember one time an ex got mad at me for “not standing up for myself.” I wasn’t standing up for myself because he was yelling at me and I didn’t want to yell back. Screaming hurts my throat, and sitting is more comfortable. Give me a fucking break dude. I think being too nice can also be a turnoff. I get that. But why? Why is it that when you care, you automatically turn into the Velma instead of the Daphne. (Yeah, that’s right, that’s a Scooby Doo reference.) Like,  I’M SORRY I BROUGHT YOU BROWNIES TO WORK, MY FUCKING BAD! Oh, I complimented your mom on her new dress. EXCUSSSSSEEEEE ME! I helped an old lady across the street, so what? Is that not HOT to you? I just think men should automatically get a hard-on when I say please and thank you. Is that too much to ask?

So as you can see, being the nice guy isn’t always a good thing, but I can’t change who I am, so instead, I’m going to keep complimenting people on their face shape/skin, breaking for people walking dogs, and doing color consultations with heroin addicts.

XOXO,

Milky

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advice aftercollegelife comedy fitness friendship hobbies lifestyle pdx self help Uncategorized

Peaks

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Do you guys ever wake up and think what the hell happened? I don’t just mean after a weekend bender or  this year’s election, but like an overarching theme of what-the-fuck?

I turned 26 this year and I feel like the difference between what my body does now and what it did 3 years ago is striking. Honestly, I feel a little betrayed. Someone told me once that as soon as I turn 25 everything would change. My metabolism, my alcohol tolerance, my interests, and my skin texture. My skin texture?! That’s where I draw the line, I mean, honestly.

I went from always having my hair done to using my kitchen shears to trim my bangs. The dresses and heels were replaced with a Columbia Outlet fleece and high-rise leggings. I own one $60 bra that I wear everyday, and a bunch of free volunteer shirts from my last job. I legitimately need 10 hours of sleep per day, accompanied by 2 cups of coffee with non-dairy creamer, because even lactose is an enemy to me now.

At first this was a HUGE issue for me. I felt like I had peaked and that my world as I knew it was crashing down. I’m not the young, hot girl anymore (if I ever was), now I’m just the girl who has peanut-butter on her flannel.

I don’t venture outside my home on weekend evenings because I refuse to pay a cover, I wouldn’t dare spend $13 on a cocktail and my size 4 dresses fit me about as well as a sausage casing.

This shit used to get me down, hard. It still does from time to time, but my priorities have changed. I can’t look to the past and think about how great things were because really, every year has gotten better and better for me, even if I haven’t touched a curling iron in months. I feel more authentic to myself. I used to feel so lost because I didn’t feel like I had hobbies (unless you count puking and rallying as a hobby). But really I was just trying to do what I thought happy people did, instead of doing what actually makes me happy.

Now I do ridiculous at-home workouts where I kick and punch at nothing. I listen to comedy podcasts at work and laugh out loud to myself at my desk. I throw on 90’s Pop Radio in the kitchen and sing to Ja Rule while making vegan nachos. I get onstage with a bunch of random people and play pretend. I call my friends and leave them awkward voicemails and tell them how much I love them. I text my boyfriend pictures of dogs. I sit in my bed at 9:30 p.m. with the lights off and talk about myself on the internet.

Do I sometimes crave adventure and a break from the monotony of my 9-5? Sure. Do I sometimes want to flat-iron my 5 pounds of hair and put on some lipstick. You bet your ass I do. But comparison is the thief of joy, dear readers. So when you find yourself looking at Instagram of people vacationing in Europe, or even comparing your more domestic life for one that was filled with drop shots and sleepovers on friend’s couches. Quit that shit. Remember the good times for what they were, but focus on making these times your best. Your happiest. And doing whatever the fuck that is.

Now excuse me while I go Pinterest pictures of Bernese Mountain Dogs.

XOXO,

The Weekday Hangover

 

 

 

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aftercollegelife comedy hobbies lifestyle pacific northwest pdx self help Uncategorized

All the Small Things

blink 182There’s something about spending  82 days in a leg brace and 6 months in physical therapy that really puts things in perspective.

I think it’s ingrained in the human condition, something about always having to search for better resources as a Neanderthal or some shit, where we can’t just chill out and reflect on how far we’ve come. How often do any of us really sit down and think, “I can breathe, I can walk, I can even pay my electric bill when I put my mind to it. I’m a decent human being and everything is pretty o.k.”

For me, the answer is never. I’m constantly in a state of mind, where I’m beating the shit out of myself, like frigging Tyler Durden. The internal dialogue ranges from, “Holy shit what am I doing with my life, and why am I not famous already?!” to, “Man, I really should have done a load of laundry last night.” It’s as if the fact that I’m not on SNL and don’t have clean underwear are the the defining characteristics of who I am as a person, and that person is lame with a capital L.

Well I’m over it, and am going to sincerely do my best moving forward to not be so hard on myself, which is a hefty effing task if you know anything about me. I can’t even take naps because I feel like I’m wasting valuable time that I could be running laps or dusting something.

I think we should all be more supportive of encouraging people to focus on the positive. Like, have you ever noticed when you ask someone how they are doing, the answer is always “okay,” or ,”good.” How come no one is doing fucking phenomenal? I want someone to be like, “Oh me? I’m doing mighty fine today, because I cooked food for myself and made a credit card payment.” If someone said that to me, I would be like, “That’s fucking awesome Rhonda. You celebrate that girl. You fucking bump that credit score to the heavens and get some essential nutrients today, dawg.”  (*I have no idea how credit cards work.)

We shouldn’t be so worried about sharing our accomplishments in the fear of making others feel bad or less successful or whatever. I’m reading this self-help book right now (because extensive therapy, medication, and extremely supportive friends and family just ISN’T ENOUGH DAMMIT) and it says that when you try to do something positive, especially something that is radically different from your current state, the “universe” is going to try to push back. Like, let’s say that all of a sudden I decide to get off the sauce, quit smoking, and dedicate myself to yoga practice.  I’m going to get all sorts of wack feedback like, “So what, are you not drinking anymore?” “Is that just soda water?” I know this to be true because it’s already happened to me numerous times. Way to encourage my drinking problem guys.

And we are totally all guilty of it. I had a friend that started hitting the gym hard, and she would always post Facebook updates about going to work out and “crushing it” and then take photos of herself looking like a total fox. I remember one night scrolling through my news feed while straddling a plate of Mexican food, and saying, “Fuck that betch. Fuck her right in her six-pack abs.”

But imagine if instead of nay-saying, and shaming people into hiding their accomplishments, we took inspiration from the success of our peers, and used that to fuel our own journeys to fulfillment?

As Taylor Swift so eloquently put it, “The haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.”

I think whether it’s your own demon brain thoughts, or someone else tripping on your newly adopted paleo diet, or career change, or WHATEVER,  you got to “shake it off.” and just keep doling out those positive vibes. Share what makes you happy, and celebrate other people for making dope life-decisions.

XOXO,

The Weekday Hangover

 

 

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dogs hobbies Uncategorized

When people ask what I like to do in my spare time

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advice aftercollegelife comedy dogs eating fitness friendship hobbies lifestyle pacific northwest pdx self help Uncategorized

B.F.F.s

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I have the most lovely community of men and women as friends. It’s actually insane how many bad ass people are in my life. Sometimes I think about it too much and I start crying my lil eyes out in awe of the sheer luck & fortune I have to know these people. Shit.

But it’s easy to be a hater, man, I get it. It’s so easy to take one look at Insta and be like “oh man, look at this bitch, she has a picture of a smoothie, and then her next three photos are of the beach, a workout selfie, and her pure-bred dog. Fuckkkkk her.” I don’t remember where I found this quote, but I said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What if instead of feeling miserable about someone’s health journey, because you’re five breadsticks and a bottle of wine down, you celebrate that someone out there is living the life they want. (If you want to hear more about my opinions on this, check out my previous blog “All the Small Things.”)

It’s a crazy concept, but think about it this way: I now have a few good friends that I was super envious of because they were wicked pretty, super motivated and seemed to be kicking the world right in the crotch. So I didn’t talk to them, I just stalked them on Facebook and followed their posts and was like, “They are so cool. I wish I could be cool….and fuck they just went to Italy. The closest I’ll get to Italy is this bowl of god damn frozen raviolis.”

But if you stop doing that comparison shit, and realize that everyone is a real person with struggles and goals, you can open yourself up to the same opportunities just by reaching out and saying, “Hey, I like Harry Potter, you like Harry Potter, let’s hang out and kill at bottle of merlot.” What’s the worst that can happen? I also literally made a friend with that tag line, so feel free to steal it.

How To Make Friends (Quarter-Life Crisis Edition):

1) Find Common Ground.

  • “You like trashy tv shows? Oh shit, did you see the last episode of Dance Moms?! So. Much. Drama.”
  • “Hey, do you hate this job, because I sure do! What parts about it do you hate the most? Would you like to discuss this over some alcohol?”
  • “Hey there, I see that you have a dog. I loveeeeeee dogs. What is your dogs name? How old is he? Where did you get him? Did you get him when he was a puppy? Does he get along well with other dogs? Can I pet him? Oh shit, I’m already petting him. I got too excited I forgot to ask permission. He seems very friendly.”

2) No One Hates Being Complimented.

  • Imagine this, your new coworker shows up wearing an outfit that looks like it is straight out of an Anthopologie window display. You say, “I love that jumper! Where did you get it?” She looks you right in the eye, flips you the bird, and walks back to her desk in silence.
  • If that actually happens you should try even harder to be friends with this person, because they just won the Hard-as-Fuck Award, and it’s always good to have a sassy lil’ raincloud in your wolf pack to mix things up a bit. Take April Ludgate for example.

3) Don’t be an Asshole.

  • Trust me on this one. This means don’t talk shit about other people just to get on someone’s good side. Take it from someone who worked in the salon industry for 5 years. That shit will always come back to bite you in the ass.
  • Besides being able to open your own juice box now, things haven’t changed much since elementary school. Someone who hates someone today, might end up having a change of heart and loving them tomorrow, and THEY WILL tell them all the shit you said about them.
  • Treat people with common courtesy. Try and give notice if you need to cancel plans. If you aren’t feeling up to a night on the town, explain why and try to set something up for another time. Communicating with people = good. Ignoring texts and blowing people off = Asshole with a capital H.

As my beautiful improv coach fairy once said, “You have to be vulnerable in order to allow yourself to have authentic relationships. It’s one of the scariest and easiest things to do, but it’s so important.”

So, my magestic sea lions, go out into the wide ocean of friendship and swim around. Don’t let comparison be the thief of your joy. Be open to new experiences. And above all, love yourself and DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE.

XOXO,

The Weekday Hangover

Categories
aftercollegelife comedy lifestyle pacific northwest pdx

Blues

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I’m starting to understand what Lana Ray was all up our asses about that Summer Time Sadness. I’ve been a bit of a funk lately and I’m starting to think maybe there’s something deeper going on here than being depressed about my  naked body splayed out in front of the air conditioner thinking, “Dear god it’s bikini season and I’M NOT READY.”

Perhaps Summer is a time to clean house (mentally and physically) and it can be kind of sad to realize you hibernated the whole winter and didn’t really save any money, or get any thinner or get a boyfriend, so your parents can stop assuming your gay with your roommate/s.

The sunshine is here and it’s like a slap in the face that you’re alive and things are amazing, but what the hell have you been doing for half the year? What are you going to do about it? How the fuck are we possibly going to get a decent ass in time for river float season, and oh my god it’s almost my birthday again and I’m getting so olddddddd.

But now. really now, for reals-reals we are doing it. We are going to be a better person from now on and create allowances, and learn self discipline and not be such an emotional basket-case.

I’m really bad at not letting myself have what I want. If I want to go camping, I will get in the car and go and spend all my money on $7 IPA’s and grass-fed hot dogs and the best condiments money can buy. Chipotle flavored mayonnaise? You would be a stupid idiot to think you don’t need that in the wilderness. I thought about wanting a hammock for 5 minutes yesterday before ordering one online. I am essentially the best boyfriend to myself ever, (Which is why I don’t need one okay Aunt Cheryl?! God. Lay off!)

Summer is an especially hard time for my impulses. Margaritas at 6 p.m. on a Monday? Um, yes. I’ll take 4 please.

Formulating positive solutions based on the present and what I can do right now is something I strive for. It’s all about that balance between letting myself do whatever I want, and being so hard on myself that I’m incapable of feeling happiness. Making it to the gym and also fitting in some homemade margs at the end of the week. Skipping a couple nights out to afford my improv classes. etc. etc.

It’s not something that comes to me easy. I can be having the best time in the world with my best friends and instead of enjoying it, and being in the moment. I’m thinking about how sad it will be when we get older and one of us dies. Really, I think about my friends and family dying all the time. Sorry guys.

Being morbid comes easier to me sometimes than being a super-chill  girl who like, totally loves life, and bright colors, and disc golf and shit. And being hard on myself is way easier than being proud of myself. I could be on the beach with a drink in my hand and not be able to get my mind off when I’m ever going to be able to have the money or the means to do something that fun ever again.

But  this behavior isn’t doing anyone any good. It’s time to start feeling decent about enjoying today. Right now.

Sometimes it’s hard to take a breath and tell myself that I’m only 25 and everything is really going to be okay. And this moment is okay. And this time in my life is okay. And the fact that I forgot to put on deodorant is maybe okay, as long as I don’t get too close to anyone on the MAX.

Deep breaths, baby steps, cheesy positive mantras, a decent tan, and blended alcoholic beverages with tiny umbrellas. This is my Summer Time M.O.  That and getting a killer set of abs. Also I apologize for not having humor be the forefront of this post, but not all weekday hangovers are going to be a walk in the park. Amiright ladies?!

Plus, if anyone else is feeling a little blue, message me, call new, comment on my post. I’m totally hear to commiserate with you and hear you out. Us humans haves to support each other in this bat-shit world where it is 90 degrees in April, so I’m calling it Summer.

Xoxo,

TWH

Categories
aftercollegelife comedy lifestyle pacific northwest pdx

The Offspring 

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If anyone else is a 90’s, late 80’s child like myself, I’m sure you’re noticing the insanely high percentage of your graduating class that have been blasting out children lately.

That shit is all over Facebook, and while I feel like the normal reaction should be something along the lines of “aw cute,” and “good for them,” I find myself repulsed by the thought of growing another human inside me. Not to mention those wack ass comparisons that people share like, “my fetus that I’m feeding through my inside tubes is currently the size of a butternut squash.” Fucking gross. Thanks for ruining most fruits and vegetables for me preggos.

Example here:

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The most frustrating thing about having an aversion to creating a new life form is that people always tell me, “Oh, you will want one some day.” Or worse, “When you meet the right person you will want to give him the gift of children.” No way! If I meet the love of my life, I’ll want to give him a nice watch, a trip to the Bahamas, maybe an old fashioned every once in awhile, if you know what I’m talking about ladies.

I am 99.9% positive I’m not going to want to grow something inside of me, and then pop it out and hand it over like it’s a god damn toaster strudel.

Here are the reasons why I’m opposed to baby-making:

1) Investing thousands of dollars into something that grows up to hate you. I would rather spend my disposable income on Whole Foods and weed, because it’s never going to slam a door in my face and call me a bitch when I take away its cell phone away.

2) Realizing that you don’t really like it either. Do you know how crushed I would be if my sweet little angel grew up to be a conservative Christian? Like no matter how hard I tried to force my Atheist  and liberal free love ideals on it, it begs me to spend my hard-earned money on sending it to bible camp?

3) The insane responsibility that comes with raising a child. If my microwave didn’t beep every 5 seconds to remind me my frozen burrito was done, I would literally starve to death. Once, I went home for the weekend and on the third day remembered that I had a rabbit, and that someone should probably feed it while I was away. I most likely shouldn’t be responsible for a little human’s well being.

4) My shitty DNA. I’m sure by reading a number of my posts you can probably tell that I’m riddled with anxiety, depression, and a terrible body image. Why on earth would I want to pass on this complex to a poor, unsuspecting child? If I had a kid, it would come home from Kindergarten sobbing because it isn’t as good at finger painting as the other kids, and because the teacher didn’t value its opinion that duck,duck, goose is an extremely alienating recess activity.

All of these above points, combined with the fact that I don’t see any near future that involves a life partner, are the reasons why kids are probably not in the stars for this old gal. And that’s okay. I realize this post is probably extremely offensive to those of you who have children, but I just want my decision to not have kids to be just as socially acceptable as your decision to have them. Plus, all my blogs are offensive so you know, you better get used to it.

Seriously though, props to you ladies and gentleman that can welcome little kiddos into the world. Just because I don’t want to do it, doesn’t mean I don’t respect the hell out of you and think your little tike is a god damned miracle of evolution. I will still support you from afar…. while I’m in the Bahamas, eating toaster strudel and giving the love of my life a hand-job.