I feel like sometimes people think that I have it easy because I’m a kind, sensitive butterfly who wants to improve humanity and pet puppies and free Tibet. But being nice to others, although it is quite easy for me to do, can be fucking exhausting.
Here’s why:
The opposite of resting bitch face can get you in just as much trouble.
Smiling at people is supposed to be a simple gesture to make the world a better place or whatever, but I’ve found smiling at people can also lead to a 30 minute long conversation with a homeless man who wants to play you a song he wrote, and get advice on how he should color his hair. I’ve legitimately been late to work because I can’t get away from conversations with people quick enough. Especially the people at Trader Joe’s. If you’ve ever been to a Trader Joe’s you must know what I’m taking about. The overly cheery cashier that wants to know way too much about you, for someone ringing up your toiletries. She asks you what you are planning on doing with your four bottles of $3 wine and your block of cheese. “Well….I just got done at the gym, so I figured I would drink back the calories I sweated out, watch some Netflix. Maybe have a good cry. I haven’t cried in awhile you know? Sometimes it just feels good to get it all out.” Do you remember the movie Liar Liar with Jim Carrey? All of my human interactions are like that. I get asked a question, and have the terrible compulsion to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, plus every single one of my feelings.
Creeping people out with compliments
I’M SORRY that I like the texture of your skin, but I thought it would be nice if you knew. You have good face and neck skin. How is that my fault? No…don’t run. Don’t run away. Everyone’s looking now. God dammit.
Not getting the same courtesy back
When I stop for you at a crosswalk – which I always will. I need you to lift your frigging hand up and give me a “Thank You.” I’m not obligated to stop for you. If I had a mean bone in my body or enough horsepower in my mom’s borrowed suburban I could mow you down if I wanted. I also get honked at a lot because I let people merge all the time. I’ll be like, “oh you have a dog in the car, you can go.” “Oh you have a nice bumper sticker about equality, you can go.” BUT YOU FUCKING WAVE TO ME GOD DAMMIT. APPRECIATE ME!”
Saying Sorry
I’m always sorry. If I don’t text you back right away, if I am in the way of the silverware drawer if I accidentally bump into you. But here’s the thing. You say sorry back! If I step on your foot and it’s my fault, You say sorry, I say sorry, WE BOTH SAY SORRY! We should both be equally sorry for being in each other’s personal space which should be very precious to both of us. If I forget to pay rent, you say sorry. If I hit you with my car, YOU SAY SORRY!
Over-committing
Sure, I can help you move out of your house. Oh what, it’s my only day off in 15 days? Don’t be silly! I’d be happy to! You need to borrow my car? Sure! Take it for a week. I don’t need to drive anywhere. It has a full tank of gas, and I’ll tell you what pal, give it back to me on empty okay?
Getting dumped
I’ve definitely been broken up with because of being too nice. I remember one time an ex got mad at me for “not standing up for myself.” I wasn’t standing up for myself because he was yelling at me and I didn’t want to yell back. Screaming hurts my throat, and sitting is more comfortable. Give me a fucking break dude. I think being too nice can also be a turnoff. I get that. But why? Why is it that when you care, you automatically turn into the Velma instead of the Daphne. (Yeah, that’s right, that’s a Scooby Doo reference.) Like, I’M SORRY I BROUGHT YOU BROWNIES TO WORK, MY FUCKING BAD! Oh, I complimented your mom on her new dress. EXCUSSSSSEEEEE ME! I helped an old lady across the street, so what? Is that not HOT to you? I just think men should automatically get a hard-on when I say please and thank you. Is that too much to ask?
So as you can see, being the nice guy isn’t always a good thing, but I can’t change who I am, so instead, I’m going to keep complimenting people on their face shape/skin, breaking for people walking dogs, and doing color consultations with heroin addicts.
XOXO,
Milky
milky feelings 