summer – milky feelings

lana-del-rey-summertime-sadness-monseiur-adi-remix-official

I’m starting to understand what Lana Ray was all up our asses about that Summer Time Sadness. I’ve been a bit of a funk lately and I’m starting to think maybe there’s something deeper going on here than being depressed about my naked body splayed out in front of the air conditioner thinking, “Dear god it’s bikini season and I’M NOT READY.”

Perhaps Summer is a time to clean house (mentally and physically) and it can be kind of sad to realize you hibernated the whole winter and didn’t really save any money, or get any thinner or get a boyfriend, so your parents can stop assuming your gay with your roommate/s.

The sunshine is here and it’s like a slap in the face that you’re alive and things are amazing, but what the hell have you been doing for half the year? What are you going to do about it? How the fuck are we possibly going to get a decent ass in time for river float season, and oh my god it’s almost my birthday again and I’m getting so olddddddd.

But now. really now, for reals-reals we are doing it. We are going to be a better person from now on and create allowances, and learn self discipline and not be such an emotional basket-case.

I’m really bad at not letting myself have what I want. If I want to go camping, I will get in the car and go and spend all my money on $7 IPA’s and grass-fed hot dogs and the best condiments money can buy. Chipotle flavored mayonnaise? You would be a stupid idiot to think you don’t need that in the wilderness. I thought about wanting a hammock for 5 minutes yesterday before ordering one online. I am essentially the best boyfriend to myself ever, (Which is why I don’t need one okay Aunt Cheryl?! God. Lay off!)

Summer is an especially hard time for my impulses. Margaritas at 6 p.m. on a Monday? Um, yes. I’ll take 4 please.

Formulating positive solutions based on the present and what I can do right now is something I strive for. It’s all about that balance between letting myself do whatever I want, and being so hard on myself that I’m incapable of feeling happiness. Making it to the gym and also fitting in some homemade margs at the end of the week. Skipping a couple nights out to afford my improv classes. etc. etc.

It’s not something that comes to me easy. I can be having the best time in the world with my best friends and instead of enjoying it, and being in the moment. I’m thinking about how sad it will be when we get older and one of us dies. Really, I think about my friends and family dying all the time. Sorry guys.

Being morbid comes easier to me sometimes than being a super-chill girl who like, totally loves life, and bright colors, and disc golf and shit. And being hard on myself is way easier than being proud of myself. I could be on the beach with a drink in my hand and not be able to get my mind off when I’m ever going to be able to have the money or the means to do something that fun ever again.

But this behavior isn’t doing anyone any good. It’s time to start feeling decent about enjoying today. Right now.

Sometimes it’s hard to take a breath and tell myself that I’m only 25 and everything is really going to be okay. And this moment is okay. And this time in my life is okay. And the fact that I forgot to put on deodorant is maybe okay, as long as I don’t get too close to anyone on the MAX.

Deep breaths, baby steps, cheesy positive mantras, a decent tan, and blended alcoholic beverages with tiny umbrellas. This is my Summer Time M.O. That and getting a killer set of abs. Also I apologize for not having humor be the forefront of this post, but not all weekday hangovers are going to be a walk in the park. Amiright ladies?!

Plus, if anyone else is feeling a little blue, message me, call new, comment on my post. I’m totally hear to commiserate with you and hear you out. Us humans haves to support each other in this bat-shit world where it is 90 degrees in April, so I’m calling it Summer.

Xoxo,

TWH

Summa Summa Time

Summer is my favorite time of year. I will fight to the death against the shit attitudes of every pale North American who wish the frigid cold of winter upon us as soon as it gets over 70 degrees. I get it, it’s hot, but have they never felt next-day rug rash from a drunken slip and slide session? Have they never assaulted an ice-cream man for not stopping long enough on their street? These are some of the blissful memories that can only happen during the magical months of July and August. Here are the reasons why I love Summer:

1) Boys in Jorts.

I’m infatuated with everyone right now. Something about the warm weather reminds me of dating boys and them being adorable, and going on beach trips and shit. My hormones are unstoppable this time of year. I had to tell my roommate to stop wearing her Old Spice deodorant because it makes me too aroused and I keep objectifying the cute guy down the street, who is affectionately known as “the guy with the broken leg and the dog.” He has nice jorts and I’m seriously considering asking him out as soon as he can walk again.

2) BBQ food.

Summer is the one time of year you can eat a hotdog and a cheeseburger in the same day and not be judged for it. Also, every salad at a BBQ has mayonnaise in it, and I am 100% down to fuck with that. So here’s what you do: Get a “dollop” (or you know, however you want to portion, you’re an adult) of potato salad, macaroni salad, and egg salad. If you are one of those freaks who doesn’t like their food to touch each other you are not going to like what I’m about to say. I suggest cramming as much of literally everything (especially if you just showed up and not hosting, because free food tastes better) as you can on the plate. No room for utensils? Good! Utensils are for chumps. Use your Lay’s chips as mayo-salad shovels because this is America, land of the free.

3) It’s My Birthday

Birthdays are the one holiday where you can get gifts, and not have to give anyone else gifts. Yes, I am turning 25 and yes, I still expect presents. If you don’t know what to get me just check my Amazon wish list, because there is nothing more satisfying than looking at shit you could never afford or justify buying for yourself and then unashamedly putting the link on Facebook and emailing it out to all your relatives.

Birthdays, like BBQ’s are another excuse to eat like shit and drink forever. I’m not really one for sweets, but a dear friend of mine promised me a white bread Bologna sandwich with yellow mustard as an homage to a cake. I’ll probably have to get a cake anyway though because if people show up to a birthday party and there is no cake, American culture will shit its pants and Paula Dean will start sending me racist hate mail.

Birthdays are also an excuse to be kind of a dick. Example A) I ate your fries and drank all your beer while you were in the bathroom because it’s my birthday. Example B) I made out with your brother because it’s my birthday. Example C) I drank everything and made out with everyone, because I’m old now and I hate everything….and it’s my birthday. Do. Your. Worst.

4) Nature is happy.

Usually when it’s Spring, winter or fall,the Northwest looks like one big, gray, drizzly shit hole. We Portlanders put up with soggy bike rides and Vitamin D deficiency so that when June rolls around we can take our dogs out to roll around in the grass that is green as fuck and swim in lakes and do other social outdoor activities.

The moral of today’s blog is to not let the haters get you down, or better yet, hate on your haters harder

Again, people who don’t like Summer are ~~most-likely~~ processed-meat circle hating, anti spiked lemonade, non bare-thigh sporting freak shows. . So enjoy your A/C, and your GOT reruns losers, I’ll be getting basic-bitch wasted on sangria, harassing ice-cream men, and hiking off my mayo weight.