I went to one free meditation class offered through my work and now all I want is to get seriously jacked on self-care.
I want to be rubbed in essential oils, go on a silent retreat, and be healed by crystals.
I am officially 100% drinking the kool-aid on this one. I was driving home from my families this weekend and thought, “You know what I should do? I should go to Peru and take Ayahuasca.” So yes, you could say that I’m pretty into this.
This will be an interesting journey to follow so if you haven’t already subscribed to my blog, well hot dog, now would be the time. Part of the reason I stepped away from blogging and comedy for a while is that while I have an easy time admitting my neurotic tendencies and general fuck-uperry, actually trying to do something about my negative behaviors or “Sadness kinks” is going to be a whole different ball game.
So after I made the decision to get, like, super fucking healthy, I did what I always do when I get excited about something. I go all in babyyyyy.
So far it’s been a wild ride. On top of my therapy and a daily dose of Lexapro I decided to quit drinking, which is swell. So swell, that when I got sober and had nothing to blame my negative feelings on, I got a tidal wave of anxiety and had to call the mental health line, get on a waiting list to see a physiatrist and eventually a drug and addiction counselor.
Dear readers, there is nothing that makes you feel worse about yourself than taking the steps you need to take to feel better about yourself.
First, you have to hear the phone recording say, “If you think you are having a psychiatric emergency, please call 911.” Like, okay, listen up ma’am, I can’t tell you how many times I have thought I was having a psychiatric emergency. If I called the cops every time I cried at a commercial or slept for 13 hours they would be like “Kaylee, we told you the last time, please stop calling here. This is not an emergency.”
Once I finally got an appointment, I had to pee in a cup LIKE A GOD DAMN CRIMINAL (or someone with a self-diagnosed bladder infection trying to figure out if it is really a bladder infection.) I had to admit that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I had to answer a questionnaire that basically asked: “On a scale of 1/10 how likely are you to….you know…. *nurse practitioner whispers* kill yourself?”
I had to speak to my negative body image and when asked about how I feel about my body responded honestly with “Oh gosh, I mean I hate the thing. I really do sir, it’s awful.” More strangers have seen me cry in this past month than when I went to a friend’s sisters wedding and was just “so *sniff* proud of her. *sniff*.”
Going through all of that sucked. It blew metaphorical chunks all over the life I wanted people to think I had handled. I had to admit to my partner I was struggling with addiction. I had to go through with my work holiday party knowing that there would be free booze and that I couldn’t have any, even though other people could because I had a problemmmmm ugh!
But here I am, 21 days without alcohol, snuggling my animals, being honest with myself and my intentions, and working out a plan. Because it’s important.
I think the absolute tightest part about self-care is the discussions that make you realize you aren’t alone, and that the crazy thoughts you have are in fact, not that original. This will be the goal of my posts moving forward. To provide insight and a light-hearted look into mental illness, addiction, and self-doubt. Hopefully, it helps even one person feel less alone in their struggles while being (fingers-crossed) mildly entertaining.
More to come!
Milky
milky feelings 
2 replies on “Self-Care”
This is really great. In all of the self-improvement work I have done in the last few years, I’ve found that self awareness has been the key to overcoming the incredibly tight fucking grip that drinking had on me. Becoming self-aware of: my behaviors and what drives them, my emotions and what triggers I have, why I get triggered, the unprocessed pain that I’m still harboring, etc (the list can go on and on), gave me the ability to start understanding myself in a way that I had not consciously done before. It allowed me to breakdown the mental/emotional process that happens between being triggered (depression, negative life experiences, etc) and pouring a drink. For a long time, it was a knee-jerk reaction, but the longer I consciously focused on it, the more I was able to create space between that action/reaction which allowed me more and more time to process my thoughts and feelings before pouring a drink. Some of the best advice ever given to me was how to be the observer of my own life. Being an observer means that you are actively conscious of your body, your thoughts, your feelings, your environment etc, especially during times when you feel compelled to “use”, but you don’t make any judgements. The point of it all is to be present and become more aware of yourself in any given moment. If you make judgements and/or are critical of yourself for the things you do, think, or feel, you run the risk of inducing shame and perpetuating the viscious cycle of negativity you likely already battle against.
Drinking is a symptom of something deeper in your psyche and soul that has gone awry. It can be overwhelming and bizarre at times to look at because all of the work is done internally, ultimately by yourself. Though, if things internally are mended, the results are external and tangible. I hope that this is helpful. There is so much to know and understand and do to “be ok” in life. The best we can do is try and share our experiences.
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This is really well put and thank you for the comment. I especially like the line of “being an observer of your own life” for me when things were not feeling right it was so much easier to ignore them by numbing them out. Now it feels really good just to feel.
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